first steps of sorts

Maliya has been standing up, by herself, a lot more often lately. She'll pull herself up to her feet, stoop down, then stands up for upwards of 30-40 seconds before she'll plop down onto her butt or grab onto something that may be in front of her. Tonight she took a half-step, but Lee says it doesn't count. She was standing in front of the couch and Lee had his hands out in front of her to try to get her to take a step. She lifted her right foot and took a 2 inch step, then she went to lift her right foot to step with that one and she fell into Lee's hands. She did the same thing later, but fell onto her hands and knees since I didn't know she was going to try to step to me. I'm undecided if I feel it counts as first steps because technically she took a step both times.

Dillon is approaching his last week of school before winter break. It's going to be along 2.5 weeks having him at home, plus Lee on leave a good amount of that time too. It exhausts me just thinking about it! I am really excited for Christmas though, I can't wait for the kids to open their presents!!

I weighed myself yesterday and was 203. I am not weighing myself again until I wake up on January 1, 2012. I am really really really hoping to be 199 or less. That means I will be in One-derland for the first time since I got pregnant with Dillon in very early 2007. That's a really long time. Also, that means I will be less than 10 lbs from my goal weight for surgery. It's just so hard trying to lose weight and not really being able to work out without pain :/ The Flexeril I was prescribed for back pain did nothing at all, besides make me really tired. So I quit taking it, there was no reason to continue. I have an appointment with my pcm on Tuesday so I will see if they can give me something else to try. I just need something to get me through until I can have my surgery. Then once I heal from that I will have great relief. 

Alrighty, it's 10 pm. I am drained, I want to wrap this up, put Maliya in her crib and go to bed myself. My cousin, Chris, is flying into Honolulu Int'l Airport tomorrow from a week long work trip to Japan. He has an eight hour layover and so we're going to meet up and maybe get some lunch or something. I haven't seen him in probably 15 or more years! It's been a while. And how weird it feels to say I haven't seen someone in 15 years! That makes me feel really old even though I'm only 25. 


Pay Day Plans

I have several things I want to do with my money come pay day and I wanted to put them down somewhere that I won't lose, so I can remember what I plan to do with it.

$50 to Best Buy

$25 to Kays

$25 to PayPal bill me later

$15 to Mandy for Hello Kitty crochet hat

(up to) $20 to JoAnn.com for fabric

$12 for eyebrow wax

total: $147

Plus odds and ends here or there. Money is goes just as quickly as it comes.


Better Late Than Never

Finally, I have time and feel up to writing a new post. I've been really slacking here, but I am ready to change that and get back into blogging again.

Where to start....?

Maliya had her 9 month check up on the same day she turned 9 months. She weighed 16 pounds 4 ounces and measured 26 3/4 inches long. She's crawling very fast now and has started cruising just as quickly across the furniture. It's so much fun watching her grow and learn new things!

Dillon is doing great! His speech has come so far and he's trying very hard to be independent. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't because he really shouldn't be playing with his dvds and the player or other things of that nature. He recently had been sick on and off, throwing up, and I finally got him to the doctor. He said it was from constipation so Dillon had some MiraLax that was prescribed and he finally went yesterday, twice! He's been eating and drinking like his old self again, thankfully. Poor thing was so backed up.

Lee isn't being kicked out from the Enlisted Retention Board (ERB) and that has been a sigh of relief, but it's not over just yet. He has to get his PTS approved in order to re-enlist, hopefully in another month or two he will get news that it was approved and we can put away the stress and worry for another 5 years until it is time for him to re-enlist again.

I am doing alright. Stressed out often, in pain all of the time. Nothing new, really. I am glad to get back into blogging again though. It's nice to be able to put it down, get it out and reflect on your words. I think writing is the best kind of therapy there is. Plus, you always have pen and paper or a computer and keyboard. Where as friends can be hard to come by sometimes.

I look forward to getting back into this. You can leave a comment, I do accept anonymous commentors. I just ask you put your name at the end of what you type so that I know who said what. It only takes a few seconds extra to leave a few words of support or encouragement after you're done reading.


Catching Up

Wow, it has been such a long time since I wrote on this blog. My best friend linked to her Facebook from her blog and I had to log in for my comment to post. After I was logged in, I figured I could write up an update.

I've been blogging, just not on this platform. I think I should get back into it here because it's a great release and I've been so stressed out.

Maybe I will sit down later once the kids are in bed (aka when it's quiet) and write up a detailed update. I'm not sure of who even reads this because hardly anyone leaves a comment to let me know "hey, I read your blog and I'm here for you!" Well...some leave a comment when I link it to Facebook, on Facebook, but it's only if I link to here. Sometimes I forget to do that.

That's why I like the other place that I blog, there is always someone to reply to your words. To give support, encouragement or even just to say they hope you had a good day!

le sigh.


Back To Basics

I am going back to counting calories. As much as I want to try to do this without having to count...I need to. The number on the scale is going in the wrong direction and I won't lose at least 40 pounds by the new year if I don't go back to counting.

I don't care what Dr Martell said when he yelled at me two months ago for losing weight too quickly for surgery. If it's not too quickly for my health, then I don't think it's too quickly for surgery.

With that said, I am going back to 1000 calories a day and no liquid calories either. I have to do this. Granted I only need to lose about 20 lbs to have my surgery, but I'd rather shoot for 40 and end up just less than 10 pounds from my personal goal weight.

I need to go to Target and the Commissary this morning, so I think I may just walk there.



Dillon's birthday party was great. He turned four on October 9th, which is also the day we had his party. I rented a bounce house and even one of his friends from school came, it was nice.

Maliya started crawling on her hands and knees Sunday as well. She can also sit herself up now too. I can't believe how fast she is growing and all of the new things she is learning. She recently started waving too. She doesn't do it every time, but it is really cute when she does.

I had an appointment Thursday with my plastic surgeon. Basically when I lose the last 17 pounds I have left, I can call and make an appointment to go back in. I had wanted to lose 20 lbs by Thanksgiving, but Dr Martell made an excellent point. When I lose the last bit of this weight to have my surgery done, when I lose more weight afterwards (which I plan to) he said my breasts would likely sag again a little bit. So my new goal is to lose 40 more pounds by the New Year. If I can do that, I will be about 10-15 lbs from my personal goal weight. I'm torn. I want this reduction now because my back is killing me every single day and with the slightest amount of activity, but at the same time, I don't want to go through this and then have them start sagging even a tiny bit because I lost more weight. I'm so undecided.

I also had an appointment for a physical therapy consult on  Thursday. She showed me some exercises that I can do that will not hurt my back and she also gave me resistance bands to use too.

I feel undefeated and kind of unsupported. I just want to be normal and happy in a physical sense. I don't want to feel like a 65 year old, I want to feel like a 25 year old.

This is making me feel so alone. I have so much anxiety and stress from the thoughts running through my head and everything else going on. I don't want to feel like everything and everyone is working against me. I've come so far already in this journey and part of me feels like it's been for nothing.


Grocery Budget

I have been thinking a lot lately about coupons and what I believe I am doing wrong. I think I am buying too much at one time and that is why I am not seeing bigger savings than I am.

Right now, I spend between $200-$400 every two weeks on grocery shopping. This is not just limited to food, this is also household items, hygiene items and baby items.

Either way, it is simply too much. I know we live in Hawaii, but that is no excuse. I should be working even harder to save more when it comes to food, household and baby purchases.

I am going to go through my coupons and sort them based on those 3 sections. I need  to make a small binder or something, but I don't want this huge book I take with me when I go shopping. I want something small, than I can stick into my purse. I was thinking one of those business card holders. It looks like a little notebook, but inside it has a ton of pages that have 3 business card slots per page. I may just buy 3 for each department, but I haven't decided yet.

Learning to coupon has been a trying experience so far, but I am determined to make this work. I just wish we could leave Hawaii already, so I can shop at normal stores that mail out sale flyers and so there is a better selection of coupons (and more in the paper).

But that is still a year away. I'll have to make due.


Look & Feel

Last night, I spent much time changing my blog's appearance. I changed everything down to the font and I have to say....I really do love it! I wish I knew how to create one of those fancy headers like I see on some blogs around this website, but I don't know how nor do I know anyone who does. Oh well. Simple and basic works fine for me.

So last night, the motor in Maliya's swing completely died. There is still power to the sound and mobile, but the swinging motion is no more. The most important part of the swing is gone, I was not happy. Maliya managed to still fall asleep in the swing twice last night for naps despite no swing motion, that was a success at least. I called Mattel this morning to see if I could get a replacement motor or something. The very kind woman said the motor for that swing is on back order (hmm, I wonder why) and that it isn't even due until very late this month. She said it'd probably be even longer for me to get the part than that, so she said they would give me a full refund. Since I no longer have the reciept from when I bought the swing, she said they refund the retail price. That is a-ok with me, $159.99 back into my pocket. Once I recieve the pre-paid shipping labels from them, I have to ship the middle legs back. After they get them, they will mail my refund check. Hopefully this all happens much more quickly that it sounds like it will.

Now that the swing is no more, I am going to take it apart today and put the jumper in that spot. We'll have a little bit more room in the living room now, so that is great! Maliya is trying out naptime in her bouncy seat. It has sound and a vibe setting and bounces slightly when she moves, or if I bounce it. She fell asleep on her own, so that is good. I may not even buy a new swing, full or travel sized. It would be a waste if the bouncer is enough for her to nap in during the day. I would like a pack and play, it's much smaller than the full size playpen we have. Then she could nap in that during the day, downstairs. We'll see once I get the refund for her swing. Maybe I can find a decent priced pack and play on CraigsList or something.

I picked up a 2-pack of black plastic table covers for the 6 foot table I am renting for Dillon's party, as well as a pack of white napkins. So he is all set other than picking up his last gift later this afternoon. I am starting to get excited!

new headband :)

lovin' that silk & minky blanket mommy made <3


Learning to Coupon

Learning to coupon has been very trying for me.

The two times I've shopped and used many, many coupons I have only saved 14% and 10%. I know I can save more. I know there is a way to. I just don't really know how yet. And it is hard to coupon at the Commissary when they don't mail out flyers with sales like normal grocery stores.

I just want to save my family money. I want to spend less on things that we can get for cheap or even free so we have more money to save and spend on other things we need. It's frustrating that money is tight because having two children in Hawaii is catching up to us.

It is even more frustrating that I can't get a job to help my husband out a little bit. That is why I want to learn to coupon, the correct way. At least then I can help out his wallet a little bit since I can't get a job and bring income to our family that way.

I wish I had someone to guide me through this.



I wish I could get a job.

It is starting to catch up to us, having two children while living in probably the most expensive state in our country on one income.

I would only be able to work nights and only nights Lee is off at that. No one would ever work around his screwy schedule.

It's frustrating and I just feel like all I do is spend all of Lee's money (well he tells me constantly its ours but I can't help to feel differently). Bia Boutique has been a total bust, I haven't sold a thing in almost a month. I really hope this new venture will work out much better. I can only hope. But I can't open shop with just 5 or 6 items to sell and I need money in order to buy more fabric to make more things and try new ideas out. Not to mention I won't be able to make a payment on time to my Kays card so that I can rent Dillon a bounce house for his birthday party.

I'm depressed.



Project: Complete

I decided to tackle a project while Maliya was napping earlier this afternoon. I had purchased 1 yard of 100% imported silk ($25/yard...eek!!) as well as 1 yard of white dot minky for the backing. I felt confident enough to run the silk through my sewing machine and it turned out so much better than I thought it would.

Pinning the two sides together took longer than the actual sewing did. I managed to finish it, turn it right-side out and then border it all before Dillon got home from school. Maliya woke up but was content in her swing and just swung quietly, so that was a great help.

I cannot wait until I can buy some more fabric in larger pieces. I also want to buy batting and make a couple of throw pillows for Dillon's loveseat in his room, as a test run for those. I'm looking forward to it!




I feel like I have a lot of blogs. I have this one, my weight-loss blog and also a blog on Xanga (a blogging community). I only went back there because I enjoyed getting feedback and comments consistently, which I do not get here. But I never want to post the same things that I post there versus here because I feel like it will be repetitive.

I haven't even blogged on my w-l blog in a while, other than last week when I posted about an unofficial weigh-in. I do log in my food journal, which is real paper, but not the past few days. I've been trying to play around with dieting and not logging. I don't want to count calories and log them forever, y'know.

I see the nutritionist again this week, on Tuesday. I've lost almost a whole pound since last Monday (unofficially, of course). I am going to start some low-impact working out. Walks with Maliya in the evening when Lee isn't working and then crunches and leg lifts when I have the energy.

I made a curtain for my bathroom, but I haven't completely finished it yet. I still need to sew on the ruffles. I might take it down and try to finish it today. I bought a dark brown rug, a tan hand towel and a light blue washcloth today to match it. It looks nice :) I look forward to finishing it and starting a new project. I want to buy some larger pieces of fabric so I can make some throw blankets as I work on inventory...but money is necessary for that and I have not enough for what I want to buy. So I will have to wait. On the 1st, I have to make a payment on my Best Buy card and also make my donation to the National Childhood Cancer Society in memory of Hayden Jones. It is unlikely that I will sell anything before then, so I've raised a total of $67 to donate (rounded up). I thought it'd be more and was also hoping that it would be...but $67 is better than nothing.

Alright, time to feed Dillon lunch and get him into bed for a nap. Then I can work on the curtain since Maliya is napping too. I may just lay down instead, though. I'm pretty sleepy.

Have a good sunday :)



I can't believe Maliya is seven months old today. How quickly the time has gone by is rather frightening. It makes me revert back into my fearful "I won't have enough time" mood. I wish she would slow down, Dillon too. I don't want to forget a single moment and Dillon has grown up so fast that I hardly remember when he was 7 months old. I'm scared that when Maliya is his age, I won't remember the age she is now. I can't have anymore, so I really wish it'd last longer than it is.

Here is her official 7 month photo for her monthly album.

She's my little lady!! I won the Minnie themed ruffled bloomers that she is wearing, in a giveaway. I've purchased a few other pairs of ruffled bloomers from the same lady though, she's amazing :) I made Maliya's flower headband pictured.

I have a lot to say, just no energy to think and type it all out. Maybe another day.


From The Depths of My Soul

I've been thinking a lot about my life and how it changed the day I had Maliya because of the emergency hysterectomy they performed following her birth. I remember shortly after it happened, I felt so much guilt. I felt that I had somehow caused this awful thing to happen to me although I knew deep down it was just meant to happen. Since then, I've accepted that what happened to me isn't my fault. I didn't do anything that caused the chain of events which led to my hysterectomy. I was attempting a routine vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC), these happen successfully all of the time. But following my VBAC, I suffered an amniotic fluid embolism, which one of my surgeons said has a 70-80% mortality rate, and a ruptured uterus. Those aren't things I could have caused, they aren't things that I did to myself.

Although I have come to terms that I am not at fault, I continue to search for the answer of why this happened to me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and even if you don't know why at the time, eventually you will. It has only been almost 7 months and I have yet to understand. I still mourn the loss of my uterus and I think a part of me always will. Even years from now, I know I will mourn for a part of me that I had for the first 24 years of life. 

I try very hard not to become bitter when I see pregnant women or hear about someone becoming pregnant. I want to be happy for those women who are bringing a life into this world, I've gotten to do that twice. Jealousy is an ugly monster and I am certain that is where the bitterness comes from. From the fact that I can never be pregnant again, whether I want to or not. The fact that I cannot have anymore children. I will never carry another life inside of my body. This harsh reality hurts. It hurts in a way I can't even put into words. So it makes me bitter.

The past week or so, I have been in this weird funk. I've been moody, I've had an attitude, I've been edgy, I've felt depressed. Even Lee noticed it and has said so on several occasions. In the past week or so, I've seen more pregnant women than usual when I am in town. I've heard of people getting pregnant or finding out the gender of the baby they are carrying inside them. And it makes me angry. I think that is why I've been the way I have as of late. It makes me feel awful. It's not Lee's fault, or Dillon's, that I feel this way. Naturally they get the attitude and impatience that I give off towards them because I see and interact with them on a daily basis. 

I've come to realize that there is an emptiness inside of me. Somewhere in my body, soul, wherever...I feel it. Something is missing and I don't know what. Of course physically it's my uterus, but that isn't what I mean here. I don't want to feel empty. I don't want to feel bitter. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I am supposed to do. A piece of me is physically gone forever, so how do I replace it a non-physical way?

All I want to know is why.

Why did this happen to me? What am I supposed to be learning from this?


About Bia Boutique

Bia Boutique is my "at home" business that I started, after many friends told me I should sell the hair clips and headbands that I was making for Maliya while I was pregnant with her. I have sold to many friends and some have made multiple purchases.

Recently I was asked about how I make my pieces, which is fine. But then out of these questions, a few people started making their own clips and bows. That is completely fine, I wish them well with their crafting, really. One thing that bothers me is that one person copied one of my designs that I had not seen anywhere else. Another thing that bothers me is that they had made several purchases from me and I did a lot of researching techniques and used a lot of videos to get my own ideas for my things.

I am happy for those who use me as "inspiration" to make their own things, but not only do I feel a little hurt that my items may have only been purchased as a means to learn by, but they have taken money from my own pocket. Now instead of referring their friends to my business to purchase things, they make them for free or sell their own creations to their friends.

I don't really know if anyone could understand why or how this situation bothers me and frankly I don't care what anyone thinks about the way I feel.

So, until further notice, Bia Boutique will not be listing new hair accessories on the shop website. The only way to purchase clips and headbands will be to buy what is already listed, since I've already paid for those listings, or to contact me for a custom order listing.

In the mean time I will be crafting non-hair accessory pieces and I'm not really sure if I will share them with anyone other than when they are listed for sale on my website.


Before Bed

I am so glad to see that things are looking up for my giveaway on my shop's Facebook page! I have about 8 or 9 entries so far and I extended the giveaway to end on Monday at 9 am HT (3 pm EST). So please take a second to like my page if you haven't and feel free to join the giveaway! Entering is so easy and there is a prize that is baby boy friendly so you don't have to have a baby girl to participate :) Who doesn't like free stuff?? I picked up a couple of things at the craft store this evening and I am really excited to get to work on them. I'm so excited for September to come so I can post all of my new items up for sale! September is childhood cancer awareness month too, so to honor the memory of Hayden Jones and the other children who have lost their battles with cancer, I will be donating 25% of my earnings from the month of September. I really hope to get a boom in business during this month and also in October because I am going to be donating a portion of earnings to the Susan G Komen Foundation for breast cancer research. I am really looking forward to this!

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the nutritionist. I was supposed to log 3 days of intake to take, but I haven't been tracking well for the past week. So I am going to go through my tracking app and just write down 3 days of stuff I have tracked in there. I already know he or she will tell me I eat too much processed food, but they can get over it. I'm not cooking 2 or 3 seperate meals because Lee doesn't like healthy foods and Dillon is just as picky. Plus he has issues with some textures and it makes him gag. I just don't have the time, energy or money to be doing all that preparing and cooking of food.

I guess that's it. I am so tired, I slept well last night too and even got an hour of sleep before I got up to my alarm at 10 pm to feed Maliya her last bottle for the night. She usually eats again around 9-10 pm for the last time if her previous bottle was before 8-830 pm. Tonight she ate around 830 so I think I might just put her to bed for the night. She ate 7 oz so I think she will be fine. It's 930 now so I might just take her up to bed and then hop in bed myself. I want to do some stuff for work tomorrow after my appointment and I'll need energy. Being crafty is exhausting :)

PS- I got Maliya a Pink Floyd onesie...I cannot wait to wash it and put it on her :) It was in the boy section but it is black and white with checkered sleeves and then the rainbow from the logo, which is on the front. So it is pretty gender neutral. I'll put a cute bow on her or something if we go anywhere while she's wearing it.


Bleeding Love

I really don't even know where to start tonight.

So many things are on my mind, it's just one big jumble of thoughts and it exhausts me just thinking about sorting them out. I am going to try my hardest to though, I need to or I will never fall asleep tonight.

Maliya is 6 months old today. It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time. I don't even know if I can explain the type of feelings I have over her already being this big. Six months ago, today, I almost lost the chance to see my children grow up and be with my husband. Some how I managed to overcome almost a certain death and am standing here today with the world. Seeing all of the new and exciting things she is doing makes me feel down that I will never get to see them again from my own child because she is the last and not even by my own choice. Feelings of loss, anger, guilt...everything...seem to be resurfacing. I know, I shouldn't feel the way I do but no one would understand unless they have been through what I have been through at the age I was when it all happened.

Sometimes I feel as if I am wasting so much of my time and money in trying to create this business, Bia Boutique. I'm told how great my things are, people "favorite" them on the website where I sell...but they never actually buy them. I posted on Facebook about a giveaway I am doing to show thanks for making it to 100 fans and to promote myself a little by giving a free item to someone and I haven't gotten a single entry. It's been well over a day already and the giveaway is ending on Wednesday morning, Hawaii Time, whether I have any entries or not. It's kind of frustrating, but extremely discouraging. I'm still learning, so yea...the things I sell aren't as amazing as a lot of sellers on Facebook and Etsy. But those sellers weren't always amazing at what they make, from the start. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being lied to about the quality of my work and the things I sell. Which I am sure won't make sense to anyone else besides me.

I've been so stressed out about this weight-loss and surgery crap. I haven't really been tracking my calories yesterday or today....which I feel super guilty about. But I know I haven't gone over my 1380 limit either day. Either I was under or just about exactly at the amount. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to get back on track. I also haven't been running, so I am going to get back into my crunches/leg lifts/push ups in the meantime, until I am ready to get back to running. It just hurts my back so much when I do it and I've been tired enough as it is just from having two little kids and a husband. I mean...dishes have been sitting in the sink for a couple of days now and I feel terrible they aren't done. I am definitely going to do them tomorrow and clean the house.

I am in such a funk. A depressed, cynical, emotional funk. I don't like it at all and I want it to go away now. I sit here wondering where this happy, cheerful, motivated woman went to that was here just a week ago.



Sitting up, playing with her favorite :)
I sent my ring to be resized. I went in to make a payment on my Kays card and asked how much it would be to have my ring resized. I am an entire size smaller, my ring was an 8 and I now wear a 7. Which happens to be the size ring I wore before I got pregnant with Dillon, for the record :) It comes back August 30th. Yay!

Maliya is sitting up better now and she even rode in the cart today at the NEX without her carseat for the first time! It was exciting, but I hate how fast she is growing. I bought her a breathable crib bumper today, the mesh type. She is sleeping in her crib as of tonight, for good. She scoots down in her bouncer most nights and I always check her when I roll over and move her back up. Well...I am done doing that. She's less than a week from being 6 months old, so time for her big girl bed...aka...the crib! Dillon was about 6 months old when I put him in his crib from the bedside bassinet he was in.

I know I will sleep so much better with her crib having the mesh bumpers instead of the padded cotton ones. They cost a pretty penny, but it's worth every cent to know she is safer with those kind than the normal kind! Even if the normal kind are prettier. I got her pink, I will post a photo tomorrow of her sleeping in it tonight.

I guess I will end here for tonight. I am watching Mama on her comforter on the floor and Dillon laying on his belly in front of her. I love seeing them interact, it's adorable. You can see how much they love each other when they are looking at the other. Even Mama has so much love in her eyes for him and of course he has so much love for her...if you never noticed in the photos of them!!

Have a good night everyone. Only about an hour or so until I can go run. I am looking forward to it even though I am exhausted.


I Do, But I Don't

I think it is finally time to have my wedding band resized.

It is a size 8, I had to have it made bigger after I had Dillon because of all the weight I gained during pregnancy. I had gained 80 pounds and didn't even lose half of it by the time I got pregnant with Maliya. My finger size changed for "good."

Now that I have lost so much weight, so far, my wedding band has been getting looser. It has become something like a security "blanket" for me. I am constantly moving my ring up and down my finger, over my knuckle with such ease. It excites me that if I shake my hand hard enough, my ring will come off. I like how it looks when my ring hangs around my knuckle if I have my hand down.

Tonight, I realized it is too loose. Almost to the point that I don't feel comfortable wearing it out of fear it would come off too easily and be lost or something. But...at the same time, I don't want to have my ring resized because of the sense of security it gives me. It is also a daily, physical reminder of how far I have come and the success I have to date.

I want to have it resized so it fits properly, but at the same time...I am scared to.



Never Give Up

When I was a senior in high school, September 2003-June 2004, I did a lot of running to prepare for Navy bootcamp.

I ran 2-3 miles a day, during school hours. I even joined track and field in the Spring to help me prepare more and because I loved running. I really only wanted the conditioning part though and that is all I did.

Fast forward six years, I haven't run since. Life happened. Marriage, children, a lot of weight gain, moving half-way across the world, surgeries...etc.

I have lost 49 lbs since Maliya was born, as of last Wednesday (August 3rd). I got the idea to try running again last week and I figured I would just run as much as I could for a mile and walk when I needed a break or couldn't run anymore. I ended up running about half and walking about half, total.

Then I got sick when Dillon brought home germs at the end of his first week of school. I am still getting over being sick, but last night I had decided to try running again. I paced myself and just did it.

I ran the entire mile, without stopping once and even with congestion from being sick. Only the second time I went running since I decided to try it and it felt amazing. I feel so proud of myself and I feel so accomplished. I am inspired and motivated even more now.

I got ready for my run tonight and said to myself that I would do what I could and accept that. I paced myself and managed to run the entire mile without stopping, again. I had a little pain in my leg and got a cramp in my side at the end, but I did it.

I never gave up.

It really is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. Your body can handle so much more than your mind tells you it can. Just tell yourself you can do it and then do it. Try your hardest because even if you don't accomplish your goal, you still succeed by not giving up and by doing the best that you could.

I know I have come really far in the short time I have been working on losing weight so I can have my breast reduction surgery done and I want everyone who reads this or my weight-loss blog to know that it has not been easy at all. It hasn't even been fun about 99% of the time.

But I want it. And it's worth it.

If you don't want it bad enough to get up and do the work and you can't find a reward that is worth the work...then you won't do it.

Get up, get inspired and never give up.



Being Sick...

...really stinks :(

Last Thursday, Dillon's 4th day of school...he came home with a runny nose and by that night he had a cough. So naturally I got sick as well. He is down to just an occasional cough and hardly a runny nose, so I sent him to school today. He is plenty fine to go. I still have a scratchy throat when I swallow and some congestion, but I feel better than yesterday. I am still drained though, so I hope to get some quality rest while Dillon is in school.

Maliya is sitting up so well now. She rocks back and forth though, like when she is sitting in her boppy pillow or against me. I just hope she is doing it from lack of balance or something along those lines. Dillon does it but because he has Autism. It has always been a fear of mine that she will have Autism as well. I guess only time can tell...

I am going to try to run tonight, as crappy as I feel and as much as it is going to suck. I need to do it. Being sick isn't a good enough excuse to not try. And if I start running and it's too much, I can just walk. I took a 1 mile walk last night with Liya around the senior enlisted/large family housing and I was exhausted just half-way through it from being sick. I need to tough it out though and just get it done. I have a week before my next weigh-in and I would like to see some sort of loss. That isn't going to happen if I just lay around and wallow in my sickness.

Now, some photos :)
<3 My loves <3

A kitty I have been feeding on the driveway

Pretty girl 


Nighttime Ramblings

I am feeling a little down tonight.

I can't place why I feel this way or what caused me to...but I just do.

There won't be a repeat of information about my weigh-in at the surgery clinic today, that can be found at my weight loss blog.

I skyped with Paige earlier, it was really nice to see and talk to her :) I am wondering if that is why I feel down. I see her as something like a little sister to me and now, who knows when I'll get to see her in person again. Hopefully for Dillon's birthday. It makes me sad.

Dillon didn't cry getting on the bus today, he did pout a little, but no tears and the bus driver said he was totally fine the whole ride and when they got to school! So that is a step forward in transitioning back into the school routine.

I have so much that I want to say, but I just don't feel like saying it.

Have you ever felt that way before?


Catching Up With Photos

Yesterday was Dillon's first day of school. He started his second year of SpEd pre-k, but this is the first year he is riding the bus. It is just in the morning, but it was a big deal so Lee stayed up to see him off with me. He didn't even cry, so that was good! But this morning was a totally different story :( Dillon cried so hard when he had to get on the bus and silently cried the short drive to school. The teacher aides said he stopped crying once he got to school and realized where he was. So hopefully he gets used to it soon! Here are some photos.

First day of school!
Photo opp with Mommy :)

Have a good first day, Boog!


Losing Friends

Losing a friend is never easy, unless there is a bad falling out. But when you lose a friend that you were close to, over the stupidest thing...it's very hurtful.

I won't go into details because it's not important, but I'm so hurt and offended at things that were said to me. Aside from feeling threatened in a slight way, I feel so so sad. I'm going to miss someone who had become almost like a little sister to me, someone that Dillon loves so much. Someone we all love. And because of what happened in my friendship with her mother, we probably won't get to really see each other anymore. It really breaks my heart because it's unfair to her and to Dillon. This has nothing to do with anyone else but me and my friend. Not our spouses, not our children. It's just so unfortunate :(

Dillon had his first day of school today! His first time riding the bus, he did so well!! I took some cute pictures, it was a success. It was weird without him here today, it was so quiet.

I am going to weigh-in this Wednesday, so I am eating necessary calories and nothing extra. No snacking, no wasted calories on drinks. I also decided not to step, to save energy from less calorie intake but mostly because my back is killing me.

I feel depressed tonight over what happened today. So I'll just end here and tend to my little lady.


First Tooth!

Maliya cut her first tooth this morning!! The one next to it should cut through any day now, it's very exciting! She just turned 5 months a week ago and a tooth already cut through. I think Dillon was about 6 or 7 months when his first two cut through, at the same time.

First tooth!

Sitting up unassisted for a few seconds!
Dillon had his meet and greet day at school this morning. We took in his supplies, well most of them. And he got to see his teacher and the teacher and aides got to see Maliya. They couldn't believe how big she has gotten and I got compliments on how good I look. That made me feel good :) And I was told I look like I've lost more than 15 lbs. But I really haven't! I was down to about 226 when school let out, I gained a few pounds and started this journey at 231. Now I'm around 216 (unofficial weigh-in). 

Speaking of weigh-ins. I can't wait until next week to see what I've lost in the past two weeks (by then). My pants and capris are getting too big and now I'll have to dig out a few things I have that are a size down from what I am wearing now. And see if they fit. I wore them when we first moved here, but I weigh less than then. Weird how that works...huh?


Lots of Things

It's been a bit since I last blogged, just been busy or it gets late and I run out of time in the day. Or I'm too tired, in all honesty.

So here's a quick catch-up!

Maliya is now 5 months old! She is so close to cutting her first two teeth and I feel a little bump next to those two so she might be cutting 3 at once soon! She is rolling the second she's put on her back, it's a wrestling match during diaper changes now. Maliya is scooting backwards really well now and scoots across the floor if I let her, the carpet is kind of rough so I try not to let her on it for long so she doesn't get rug burn on her belly or legs. She is also starting to sit up unassisted too! Not for long, maybe 5-10 seconds at most, but it's a start!! Here are some photos!

5 months old!

Playing dress up

Pretty girl <3

Mad she can't go forward

Sitting up by herself!

Sharing secrets

Mmm, green beans :)

I've had some of my clothes fitting that haven't in years :) That has been exciting! I posted progress photos on my weight loss blog.

I am going to be making and selling my first baby afghan! I have never made them for anyone else before, let alone sold one. I also ordered some things to try making baby security blankies, you know...the kind with little taggies on them. I'm excited! I got minnie fabric and mickey fabric and some minky that coordinates for the other side. Woo!!



I was watching that show, Extreme Couponers, yesterday and I sort of got a little jealous. Not of their hoards or "stock piles" as they called them, but of the savings. So I decided I want to coupon, on a reasonable level. I don't want to be extreme, I don't want to hoard items and food just because it was free or I saved money on it. I just want to save some money when I do grocery shop :) So I picked up a Sunday paper and got a coupon thinger at Target and clipped what we needed or would use. There was even a coupon for Cattle Company! A really expensive restaurant with super yummy steaks and whatnot. So we're going to go before that expires next month! I can't wait :) I also got some Subway coupons in the mail yesterday, so I am going to use one today for my lunch. I also think I'm going to contact certain companies and tell them how much I love their stuff and hopefully they'll send some coupons or something. Like for diapers or formula or toilet paper. Charmin is expensive stuff!! I look forward to it.

Saturday I had off from counting calories as we went to dinner that night at Buffalo Wild Wings with a huge group of people. 10 adults and 4 kids. Pretty busy! Then everyone came back to our house to hang out and the guys played a cash game in the garage. It was nice to hang out and I had a lot of fun at dinner and at home. I felt guilty though because I didn't work out that night either, after not counting calories all day. But I didn't eat much all day...maybe a couple 100 calorie snacks and then some drinks here or there and not even entire servings of them. Then at dinner I ate boneless wings, celery and ranch and had two fruity drinks :) Probably consumed upwards of 2,000 calories due to the drinks. Oh well, I guess one night off is ok right? It was the first night I didn't count calories OR workout in 2.5 weeks. Then yesterday I got back on track with everything. Now I'm just anxious for next week to come so I can have my second weigh in, I want to see how much I will have lost in 4 full weeks. I need to get up to the specialty surgery clinic for a weigh in with them so they can document it in my file. Maybe I'll try to this week.

Dillon starts school in two weeks on the 1st. Time is flying by! I know he'll be happy to see his friends again, he likes school a lot. I'm excited to see him get on the bus in the mornings, it'll feel like he's really going to school now! Last year he did almost a full year of pre-k, but I drove him to and from school. This year for a second year of pre-k, he will ride the bus to school and Maliya and I will go pick him up when he gets out.

I am going to mail out a ton of stuff this afternoon when Dillon goes down for his nap. I'm excited to send out orders and a package to one of my friends full of Maliya's newborn sized clothes for her baby girl! I can't wait until they all get their stuffs :)

I guess enough for now. I want to get my crystal light out of the fridge and doodle around online. I would sit and make some bows, but I know the minute that glue gun is hot enough, Maliya is going to wake up and want to eat. Always happens that way. So I'll just wait til tonight or something. I want to make some stuff with my new ribbons I got the other day!


Two Weeks In

It's been a full two weeks since I started my weight loss journey! You can find my first weigh-in and other updates at my weight loss blog. I'm feeling very motivated! I think I am going to add in a second work out during the day. I want to add in an early-day workout of lower ab crunches and inner thigh leg lifts. Then I'll do my other usual stuff at night.

I'm super tired, Maliya and I were at the ER last night forever. She's fine, but she fell off the couch head first. I took her to be sure her back/neck was ok. I figured her head was fine because she didn't throw up or pass out. It was intense, but she's fine! Just has a little bump on her forehead. She basically did a flip off the couch. She's a tough little cookie, like her mommy :)

Alright, well I am going to get off here. Dillon wants to skype, so I need to ask the people he wants to skype with if they are busy. He misses his Paige and his Nana and Papa (which he started saying yesterday when we skyped with Dad and Kelly!). He got very upset for a good 10 minutes or so when we had to say goodnight to them. Poor kid! I asked if he remembered Nana and Papa and he said yes. I asked if he remembered their dog, Speck. He said no. Silly boy! I wonder if he does remember them though.


I'm Still Here

I'm still around, I know it's been a few days since I last blogged.

I just have lots of thoughts swirling around my head and it's too exhausting to sort through them and dissect them.

Almost to the two week mark and first weigh-in of weight loss. It's exciting, but gives me anxiety and makes me nervous. I keep trying to get in evening walks with Maliya to burn those extra calories while getting fresh air for both of us and getting away from the loudness in the house for a little bit. It's only a mile stroll, but it's nice and she loves feeling the wind on her face and looking at the trees we walk under!

Looking at the trees above

These were all from our walk tonight, I took them with my phone :) It's relaxing to feel the wind on your face and enjoy a setting sun.


Mute Button

Kids should come with a mute button.

It's so frustrating lately that when Maliya fights to fall asleep for naps, she finally passes out and then Dillon wakes her up. It makes me want to punch kittens. As much as I love her, I don't want to hold her all day long because she's cranky from being tired and teething.

Is it August 1st yet??

I'm into my second week in my weight loss journey. I feel great and I'm really motivated! I added a new activity to my routine, so I'm looking forward to my first official weigh-in next Wednesday :) I've been making sure I blog every night with my daily intake on my weight loss blog. And I fit into some jeans that are the same size as the other ones I wear, but they were too tight for some reason. They fit pretty good now, so that's reassuring that I'm not suffering for nothing. This has a purpose and the reward is better than anything I could ever eat.

Not much else has really been going on. Just tracking my calories, exercising, playing with the kids, running the occasional errand here or there. I lead a pretty boring life, the life of a stay at home mom!

I did try sweet potatoes with Maliya again today, still no-go. She made faces, gagged. I felt bad. I mean sure she'll make faces, but I don't want her to gag. I hate gagging so I don't want to make her. So we'll wait another couple of weeks and try again. She is getting so big though!

Well, off to pick up my dinner plate and maybe take a walk with Maliya. It's nice out so I want to enjoy the fresh air. Plus she'll get some too.



Week One

Today is the last day of week one in my weightloss journey. I think I'll splurge a little and allow myself to go a little over 1000 calories today. I think one day a week is good to go over a little bit. Maybe no more than 1100-1200 calories. I did buy some skinny cow ice cream bars, mmm it was yummy. I ate one on the drive home from Target because I was so hungry.

I had another appointment with my psychiatrist. She is pleased that my depression symptoms seem to be fading or are virtually gone. But with my recent diet and ocd symptoms increasing, she wants to wait on increasing my meds more. She said she was planning to increase, but after I told her about my ocd symptoms kicking up, she wants to wait a bit first and see if it's all just more amplified from my consult appt and all. So I have to go back in two weeks again. She said she also supports my restricting to around 1000 calories since almost all of those calories are used for food and not just drink. I drink more crystal light now since it's just 5 calories, so I still drink plenty but it's less calories. And I'm also exercising. But with my history of an eating disorder, she wants to keep an eye on me with that. But I did tell her I don't want to starve myself anymore. I want to try to have a somewhat normal relationship with food for my kids. I don't want them to end up with eating problems like me, because it's awful. I understand her watchful eye though.

So it was a good appointment and so far a good morning. I do feel tired though...it was overcast this morning so I think that's why. Plus Maliya got up at 5:30 am which means I am too ready for naptime.


Happy 4th Of July!

Today is Maliya's first 4th of July :)

Those are some photos I took this morning and then edited with picnik.

Lee has to work tonight...bummer. Hopefully I'll get to see some fireworks from the driveway, but it's doubtful with the tall trees. 

I hope everyone had a fun and safe holiday weekend!


Welcome July

Wow, it's already July 1st.


Time flies too fast, especially when you have kids!

Dillon starts school a month from today. I'm actually looking forward to it. I love having him home every day, all day, but lately he hasn't been listening well and I know he's acting out more because I can't watch him as closely. He thinks he can do what he wants now that Mommy has to watch Maliya more than him. He yanked the screen out of his window the other day and ripped apart the stripping on it...so the screen is completely wrecked. I had to call maintenance to schedule someone to come replace it and the screen on our front door. He's had at that one too, but that has been wrecked for the longest time.

Maliya is growing too fast, every day she looks different. It's exciting, but I hate it. She rolled over from belly to back 3 times yesterday. I was trying to get her to roll back to belly and she'd get to her side. So I rolled her onto her belly and she rolled back over 3 different times. Even Lee got to see it the last time while he was getting ready for work. I'm anxious to try baby food again in another week or so. And she's got some little nubs where her teeth will be coming in!! That is really exciting, she's been teething like crazy. I've had to give her some tylenol one day and then teething tablets two different times. Poor thing, I know it hurts when my wisdom teeth are sore from coming up, I can't imagine how she feels.

I guess I should just end here and get myself and the kids ready. I have some things to get at the store and it opens in just over a half an hour. Plus Maliya is getting sleepy so hopefully she falls asleep on the way there and while we're there. It's exhausting taking both kids, but Lee worked last night so he just went to bed about 30-45 minutes ago and Dillon can't stay home alone!


Weight Loss Blog

I started a weight loss blog, I want to keep that journey separate from this. Otherwise I think it might be too cluttered with posts.

If you're interested in following my journey, I'd love the support!

Journey To Reduction

Thank you :)


It's A New Day

Despite feeling exhausted due to Maliya waking up at 11:30 pm and again at 4:30 am to eat, I'm in good spirits.

I have a song in my head that keeps me feeling positive this morning. You know that Weight Watcher's commercial with Jennifer Hudson, where she sings "it's a new dawn, it's a new day....and I'm feeling gooooooooood."

That's how I feel right now.

I'm trying to remain positive and keep a level head about my goals. Just keep my eye on the prize, which is surgery. Sometimes I let the discouragement creep up from the back of my mind and tell myself I can't do this and I'll never have my surgery done, etc. I am trying to push it away though. At times it's easier said than done...but I'm not going to give up. I know I can do this, I have to. And I have to do it sooner than later.

Alright, I think I am going to pop open a can of Red Bull, take my meds and wait for my wings. There is so much I want to get done, my mind was racing all night. I couldn't fall asleep until almost quarter after 11 pm, then Maliya woke up a half hour later to eat. Then I couldn't fall asleep until almost 1 am and she had been asleep for like 45 minutes at that point. I did lay down on the couch after she ate at 4:30 am though. Then I dozed on and off for a couple of hours while Dillon watched cartoons and Maliya was sleeping. I'm a light sleeper so I didn't get much, but at least it was some sort of rest.


Pinky Toe & Plastics

I think the last time I blogged, I had mentioned stubbing my pinky toe on the cart at Target. Well last night...I stubbed the same toe on the wheel of Maliya's stroller while we were at Waikele Outlets in Carter's. It hurt. A lot. Some clear liquid came out from under my nail and then a little blood. Today it's very sore and there's some clear, sticky stuff oozing out. Sorry if that's graphic, but there's no lighter way to really say it. I showed Andrea and asked her about it because I'm nervous about it getting infected. She said it's bruising fluid and it's normal. I just really don't want it to fall off :(

Yesterday I got a call from Tripler. The nurse called from Specialty Surgeries department about the plastic surgery consult I had scheduled for tomorrow. She wanted to move it to today, so I had that this morning. It went alright, but not as well as I had hoped for.

I'm definitely a good candidate the doctor said. From the way I understood they would remove about 3 1/2 pounds total from both breasts. That's a lot. But....yes there's always a but....my bmi is too high for them to do the surgery. He said they can't do it unless it's 30 or lower, but he said around 30 is good enough. My bmi is 37, although they told me 39 for some reason. But I checked 2 different websites and both said 37.3 so...no clue where 39 came from. Well, to get down to a bmi of 30.7 I have to lose about 41 pounds. Then I can have surgery.

It's kind of disheartening because I've already lost 33 pounds since I had Maliya and now I have to lose like 40 more before I can have a breast reduction done. Which once I have it done I can run again and I'd definitely lose weight then. Not to mention that Lee has this ERB coming up in November and if his name is on that list then they are kicking him out next June. Then I won't get the reduction free because we won't have military insurance anymore. So not only do I have to worry about losing the weight...I also have to worry about doing it quickly enough incase he is kicked out. Which we'll find out this coming November, but I still want to lose as much as I can before then because if he is on that list...that doesn't leave me much time to get it done and recover before we'd have to move.

So I'm not eating any more fast food. I'm not drinking any more soda, diet or otherwise. I'm not eating any more snacks: chips, gummy bears, pretzels, goldfish, poptarts, etc. The only "fast food" I said is ok is Subway, but I'm only allowing myself flat bread over a roll (less carbs) and minimal mayo/mustard dressings. Also no more extra cheese and I have to have at least 3 veggies on it. That's the only way I'll allow myself to eat it. And no more daily weigh ins, or even weekly. Every 2 weeks, I'm going to document it on here too.


I could cry right now. I feel so defeated.


Sighs & Cries

My mediocre day has really gone down hill since this afternoon *cries* :(

It started when Maliya woke me up at the butt crack of dawn, but I managed to make the best of the morning. By the afternoon I got a hot shower and when Dillon woke up from his nap we ventured to the bank and then Target.

At Target I stubbed my pinky toe so hard on the stupid cart wheel it felt like my nail ripped off. I wanted to scream out every curse word I knew and knock everything off the shelves of the isle I was standing in. It hurt so much. Here I am, many hours later and it still hurts to walk. It didn't bleed so I don't think I really tore anything, but man...does it feel jacked up.

Then Dillon didn't want to listen much this afternoon. I understand he loves his little sister....but how many times can he really take being yelled at or swatted for grabbing her arm or sticking his face about a half inch or less from hers and yelling/laughing in her face. I mean, give the poor girl a few inches at least. So that was exhausting to deal with.

When Lee got up, I told him I didn't care if he got right on the xbox so long as he emptied the garbage and took out the recycling. I got Maliya ready and we were off to the mall for retail therapy.

Just to get into Gymboree and am told by the clerk they were closing in 5 minutes. I look at my cell phone and realize it's almost 6 and it's Sunday. The mall closes early on Sunday. Definitely a FML moment.

So I look up the number to Waikele Outlets, same hours. I look up the number to Babies R Us, they close at 7. We got there and still had 45 minutes to shop around. I got two onesie/pants sets and a cute, soft denim skort (she'll have to grow into). I also picked up a cool car from Cars 2 for Dillon, couldn't forget my little man!!

I got home and was kind of excited to show Lee what I had bought. I wanted to show someone, it's not much fun shopping pretty much by yourself. I don't really count a sleeping baby as company. He was less than interested between a match, so I gave up and went about my business. It sucks not having a girl friend I can really call up at the last minute and ask if they want to go shopping. *sigh*

Now I'm sitting here, depressed and my pinky toe is throbbing. I'm dreading having to get up and walk up the stairs with Maliya, but boy am I ready for bed....it's been a day.

Sweet Potatoes & A Sunset

Since we got the okay to start trying solids, I thought yesterday would be fun to try some sweet potatoes with Maliya. I do veggies first otherwise we may never get through them all! Of course babies love fruit, it tastes good. So I think doing the gross stuff first is better. Well she definitely isn't ready, she just gagged. Poor thing. I also tried some plain cereal last night, she has a little in her bottles so I know she's ok with it...she gagged again. So we'll try again in a few weeks to a month, but I did manage to take some pictures!

Sweet Potatoes 
Other than that, nothing too exciting happened yesterday. There was an amazing sunset last night. Lee had to work, but the kids and I were sitting in the living room and it was lit up orange. I could see orange out of the high-rise windows and thought I'd run outside and snap a few photos. I figured if it was that orange and bright...it had to be pretty! I was trying to rock Maliya asleep and she woke up on the walk outside, but it was worth it :) I took this photo with my Android phone and yes, the sunset actually looked like this! One of the few things I will miss about living in Hawaii. The beauty never gets old.

Honolulu, Hi 6.25.11


Time For Change

I'm really feeling down on myself today :(

My best friend recently had a baby and she looks amazing. I don't care about the fact she was smaller than me when she got pregnant (a lot smaller), but knowing that I weigh almost two of her makes me sad.

Mary, my psychiatrist, and I made a plan for me to start doing leg lifts, crunches and squats...for now. I'm going to do 50 of everything to begin, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday (starting today). I want to run, I miss running so much. But I can't with my boobs being the size they are. It physically hurts and there are no sports bras in my size anywhere in stores or that I can find online. I need a lot of support and nothing I've found online offers high impact control like what I need.

This coming Thursday, I have a consult appointment with specialty surgery at Tripler. I'm actually really excited because this is the first step toward the breast reduction I have wanted since I was a teenager. I hope things move quickly after this appointment. And once I am all healed after I have the reduction, I cannot wait to be able to go running again!

But, in the mean time I am going to start the plan that Mary and I worked out and hope it helps me shed some weight and get to feeling better. Exercising is supposed to release endorphins and that is what makes you happy, so I know it'd help.

Enough pity partying, Maliya is waking up from her catnap she took during the car ride home from the NEX.

4 Month Check Up

Maliya had her four month well-baby check up this morning!

At birth she was 7 lbs 5.2 oz and 19.5 inches long. At two months she was 9 lbs 6 oz and 21.5 inches long. Now at four months she is 12 lbs 8.2 oz and 24.75 inches long!! She is in the 25th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. We also got the ok to start trying solids too! My little baby girl is growing too fast :( I wish I could hit the pause button on life....just for a little while.

I didn't have her shots done today since I had to take Dillon with me. Lee had quarters at work and then has training in a couple of hours, so he couldn't watch him while I took Maliya to her appointment. So next week, Andrea said she'd come watch Dillon while I run Maliya to the immunizations clinic for her shots.


Yep, It's Long

Many things to cover tonight :)

Yesterday evening, I was taking Paige home and we were sitting in terrible traffic on the H-1. We were listening to the radio and chatting when I heard them announce a giveaway of $100 cash to caller 102. So I started calling and told Paige if she called too, we would split it if one of us got through and won.

She and I called non-stop the entire hour (or longer) we sat in traffic on the way to her house. Rarely did we get even a busy signal, but we did each get through once. I was caller 38 and Paige was caller 57. It gave me a little hope! Usually when we were calling, it'd just be the AT&T jingle with a recording that said to try again later. But we didn't give up.

After we got to her house, they announced callers 97, 98 and 99, then went to a song. I was sure they had their winner but I kept calling until they played the winning caller. Paige ran into the house to go to the bathroom while I kept trying to get through. Then the phone started ringing and I had figured they cleared the lines since they had a winner. But I didn't hang up and suddenly the dj answered! He asked my name and where I was calling from and I told him and that we had been trying to call for an hour and got through twice. He told me I was caller 102!!!! I've never won anything in my life so it was very exciting! We screamed in excitement and I said 102.7 the bomb, when he asked what radio station hooked me up (typical phrase they have winners say). He then asked me to hang on so he could come back and get my info. After I gave him the information he needed, he gave me a number and name to the promotions manager and said if I don't recieve a call within 2 weeks from that day, to call in. But he said I should get a call letting me know when I can go in to pick up my prize.

That was probably the coolest thing that's happened to me in such a long time!

I made and sold my first satin ribbon leis today. Andrea (Paige's mom) has family coming in from the mainland and she asked if I would make her three leis for her neices and nephew, the adults were getting liquor leis. I said sure, so we went to Ben Franklin's and she picked out the ribbons and I bought a couple of things. We went back to my house, I made them and posted a listing on my shop on Etsy so she could buy them from their and post feedback. All of the headbands she's bought from me haven't been listed, oh well. I wasn't sure how much to charge for a handmade ribbon lei, I was thinking like $8-$10 or something. But Andrea insisted I should definitely charge more because even the machine-made ribbon leis in stores are about $15-$20. Which she proved while we were in the craft store. So she paid $20 a piece for them. That was exciting! The most money I've made in one order and the first leis I've sold. Pretty cool stuff :) Paige even told me some ladies at the airport complimented how nice they were. That really made me feel good.

And lastly, I just got done making peanut butter balls. It's a candy that I learned how to make from a postcard, it's yummy. Better than a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup if you ask me (and Andrea's son!). Her husband, son and nephew loved the ones Paige and I made yesterday, so I made some more tonight to drop off at their house tomorrow. I rolled 174 little balls of peanut butter, confectioner sugar and butter (mixed of course). They have to sit in the fridge over night, then tomorrow I have to melt milk chocolate chips and dip all of those tiny candy balls into the chocolate and then let them sit in the fridge until they are hard. I'm not looking forward to dipping all of that...it took me about a half an hour just to roll them all! I don't mind though, it's for good people so it's worth it.

Now I am pretty much done winding down for the night, so I'll end here. Maliya has her 4 month well-baby check up tomorrow and we have to drop Lee off at work in the morning for quarters. I hate his stupid command, but just over a year and we're done with their dumb shit. Goodnight, xoxo!


Back To Blogging

I started this blog to help me through a very traumatic experience, posted a few entries and then totally forgot. I guess life was busy happening and so much has gone on.

Where do I start?

Maliya is four months old today. It's hard to believe that just four months ago it was one of the happiest, yet the most terrifying days of my life. A day that changed me forever.

She is learning so many things and always has a smile on her pretty little face! She wakes up all smiles and rarely cries unless I'm not putting a bottle in her mouth fast enough for her liking. She sits up in her boppy pillow and when on my lap, but we haven't really tried sitting her up on her own yet. I think it's early for that yet. She's been teething since around two months old. No teeth have cut yet, but she is finally starting to get some little bumps in there! It's just been slober and gumming everything in the mean time. She loves to giggle and is starting to talk. Not just little coos and sighs, but she is actually trying to move her mouth in different shapes when she is making her noises and she changes her pitch and tone as well. It's really fun to watch her and it's exciting to see the new things she's doing! She rolled over one from belly to back and she is trying to roll back to belly. She gets as far as her side, starts leaning as if she is going to roll onto her tummy and then she catches herself and goes back on her back. She's getting there though!!

Dillon is growing like a weed too. He's been out of school for almost a month, it's been exhausting to say in the least. His energy is just...wow. That kid needs to bottle it and sell it...he'll make a fortune! His speech has been improving and he's been copying words for a while now. It's exciting to see the progress he is still making despite being on summer break from school. Still not potty trained, I've tried a few times to get him to go on the potty. When I ask he says no and gets upset. But he also still doesn't tell us when he has to go or is going in his diaper. So that makes it hard to guess when to put him on the potty...it's frustrating.

A quick update for me, I've been experiencing pre-menopause symptoms and it really sucks to go through this at 25 years old. My hair is falling out and causing bald spots. The hot flashes are probably worse than anything else though. Those make me feel crazy. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (mdd) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (ocd). The psychiatrist I have started seeing prescribed me Luvox for the ocd. At my initial appointment on June 8th, I had 15 out of 18 diagnostic symptoms. Today, after being on a low dose of Luvox for a week and a half, I now have 5 out of 18 symptoms that have not changed or gone away completely. So that's a good sign the medication is working. The ocd symptoms went away completely for the first few days but then came back worse than ever. So she increase the dosage and hopefully that helps. I have to go back in 2 weeks again for another check up. So that is positive news. My crying spells have decreased, that is also another good thing. I think the depression type symptoms have decreased most, but the ocd symptoms feel stronger than ever. So hopefully this increase in meds helps that!

I decided I want to go back and finish my Bachelors degree. I just got my report back from my advisor and she said I need 36 credits to finish, which I believe are all electives. So I'll take child development courses. I am also thinking about doing another BS after we move, but we'll see. I really want to do a BS in early childhood development before going on to possibly do a masters degree...but...we'll see.

Umm, I guess that's a good enough update for now. I don't want to write too much and then make you lose interest because I've gone on with my ramblings. I want to get back into blogging because it does help to make me feel better. Even if no one reads it or even leaves me a comment (which you can do without being a part of blogger-btw).

I think I'm going to try to lay down. I do have a few things I should run and do, but I went to bed later than usual and I'm exhausted, my eyes are even burning.


A Moment In Time

Sometimes I will be having a really good day, even if I am woken up earlier than usual or did not get as much sleep. Then there will be one tiny moment that can ruin it all.

I am starting to really dislike how seeing a pregnant woman makes me feel. Lee and I only wanted two children and we were fortunate enough to have one of each, in the order we preferred. But who is to say that years from now we would have possibly changed our minds? Or what if, god forbid, we lost Dillon or Maliya and wanted to have another baby? I wish it did not hurt as much as it does to see those bellies. And pregnant bellies are in abundance around this island, you have no idea. How I feel is actually similar to the feelings that I had after I lost my second pregnancy over a year ago. A lot of bitterness, jealousy, resentment and anger. And guilt.

I keep forgetting to call the dr that I saw almost two weeks ago, to schedule another appointment. He had wanted to see me in 2 weeks from our first appointment and that just will not happen. I simply forgot. I hope his business card is still laying around, if not I will just schedule an appointment with Dr Nicholas. She was one of my surgeons and she put in the referral for the appointment I had recently. I am certain she can prescribe me something or at least advise me of medicinal options. I really do not want medication, but at this point it is definitely not out of the question. I just do not want to be on something that is long term. Long term medication will not fix anything. It is purely temporary. At least with short term medication, I can start feeling better now while I work toward recovering from my traumatic experience and eventually not need to take anything.

It is so exhausting to think about and try to figure out. Most of the time I just push it into the back of my mind, which is probably why I forget all of the time to call and make my second appointment...

Tonight and tomorrow night, Lee works. I hate how lonely and quiet it is without him in the house. Granted Maliya and Dillon make more than enough noise, but at least when he is not at work he can come to the rescue if I need it. When he is at work, I only have myself to depend on. Some nights it feels like the kids gang up on me and I just want to disappear. Other nights are like tonight, things go smoothly and everyone is content. Why are there not more nights like this?

All I know is that 8:30 pm really needs to hurry up so that Dillon can go to bed. I already got Maliya to fall asleep and she is rocking in her swing for now. I am hoping she will wake to eat shortly after I put Dillon to bed, so then she can go to sleep and I can lay down as well. If she does not wake up to eat then I just know within an hour that I lay down, she will wake up hungry. That is how it always works, I swear that kids have radars to detect when Mommy is trying to sleep or at least relax.


Last Night

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Maliya (pronounced mah-lee-ya) and I went shopping at the Outlets in Waikele with my new friend Andrea. I got a lot of goodies for excellent prices. I even bought myself something *gasp* I usually do not spend money on myself unless it is necessary, especially when it comes to clothing. But I did buy a pair of denim capris at Old Navy. I need the clothes anyway.

Last night was another story.

A couple of days ago, I went to see Andrea and her daughter with Dillon and Maliya (my son and daughter). Lee (my husband) bought the UFC pay-per-view event and had a house full of people, so I figured it best to keep Dillon out of their hair and Maliya in a calmer and quieter environment. When I was driving home that night, I realized my throat felt scratchy. The next morning I woke up with unbelievable sinus pressure and congestion. The pain got worse through out the day as well as the congestion.

Lee worked last night, so I was home alone with the kids. Maliya was starting to get hungry when Dillon had pooped. He has a welt/scratch/rash mark and was screaming and crying in pain while I tried to change him as quickly as possible so it would not hurt him for long, while Maliya screamed and cried in her papasan swing. Once he was changed and calmed down, I fed Maliya. Then Dillon started to get whiney and wanted to eat while I was feeding her...but he had to wait until she was done. He understands to wait more than a 10 week old baby does. Then I fed him and Maliya just cried on and off from gas and being tired. Finally I got her asleep after many crying episodes from everyone, myself included. Then I had to change Dillon, which he had pooped again, and put him to bed.

All of the crying and screaming that went on in here from those two little bodies made my head feel worse. I had accidentally thrown out my Claritin this past weekend when I was cleaning, so I had to suffer until I was able to get to the store this morning. I broke down and took some Tylenol in hopes it would at least help with the pressure and it did a tiny bit.

It was probably the worst night I have had since I had Maliya. Even the nights shortly after she was born, when we were home...I cried about my hysterectomy and the feelings I had about that and it was awful. But last night really took the cake. I felt physically ill from the sinus pain and congestion, on top of two needy, fussy, crying and screaming kids (one toddler, one newborn) and being home alone since Lee had to work. I just wanted him home. I wanted to run away. I wanted to cry myself to sleep as I held  my crying baby and crying toddler. I wanted to disappear.

I felt just terrible, like I could not do enough for them. It is the first time I have been sick since Maliya's birth and it really was just too much for me to handle both of them alone, while unwell. I am glad Lee does not have to work for a couple of days, he really helps to keep me grounded when my days are bad like last night. He might make me angry or frustrated some times, as all husbands do to their wives, but he really does make me feel better and pick me up when I need it most. Even just a phone call from him while he is at work helps me feel a little better.

Aside from this sinus funk and a bad night, I also weighed in this morning. I started Weight Watchers online to try to lose the rest of the weight I gained from when I was pregnant with Dillon. Since I cannot have any more children, might as well work hard and get it all off me for good. I gained about a pound and a half. I know weight gain will happen when you are trying to lose it and I know why I gained a little bit this past week. I have not been tracking points as much and since I have become sick or whatever you want to call it, I do not really eat much and the things I do eat are not what I probably should be eating. I hope to start feeling better soon now that I bought some Claritin and get back on track. Of course, feeling tired and sad often does not help my weight loss, but I am trying to focus and get back to the path I was on up until this past week.