A Moment In Time

Sometimes I will be having a really good day, even if I am woken up earlier than usual or did not get as much sleep. Then there will be one tiny moment that can ruin it all.

I am starting to really dislike how seeing a pregnant woman makes me feel. Lee and I only wanted two children and we were fortunate enough to have one of each, in the order we preferred. But who is to say that years from now we would have possibly changed our minds? Or what if, god forbid, we lost Dillon or Maliya and wanted to have another baby? I wish it did not hurt as much as it does to see those bellies. And pregnant bellies are in abundance around this island, you have no idea. How I feel is actually similar to the feelings that I had after I lost my second pregnancy over a year ago. A lot of bitterness, jealousy, resentment and anger. And guilt.

I keep forgetting to call the dr that I saw almost two weeks ago, to schedule another appointment. He had wanted to see me in 2 weeks from our first appointment and that just will not happen. I simply forgot. I hope his business card is still laying around, if not I will just schedule an appointment with Dr Nicholas. She was one of my surgeons and she put in the referral for the appointment I had recently. I am certain she can prescribe me something or at least advise me of medicinal options. I really do not want medication, but at this point it is definitely not out of the question. I just do not want to be on something that is long term. Long term medication will not fix anything. It is purely temporary. At least with short term medication, I can start feeling better now while I work toward recovering from my traumatic experience and eventually not need to take anything.

It is so exhausting to think about and try to figure out. Most of the time I just push it into the back of my mind, which is probably why I forget all of the time to call and make my second appointment...

Tonight and tomorrow night, Lee works. I hate how lonely and quiet it is without him in the house. Granted Maliya and Dillon make more than enough noise, but at least when he is not at work he can come to the rescue if I need it. When he is at work, I only have myself to depend on. Some nights it feels like the kids gang up on me and I just want to disappear. Other nights are like tonight, things go smoothly and everyone is content. Why are there not more nights like this?

All I know is that 8:30 pm really needs to hurry up so that Dillon can go to bed. I already got Maliya to fall asleep and she is rocking in her swing for now. I am hoping she will wake to eat shortly after I put Dillon to bed, so then she can go to sleep and I can lay down as well. If she does not wake up to eat then I just know within an hour that I lay down, she will wake up hungry. That is how it always works, I swear that kids have radars to detect when Mommy is trying to sleep or at least relax.


Last Night

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Maliya (pronounced mah-lee-ya) and I went shopping at the Outlets in Waikele with my new friend Andrea. I got a lot of goodies for excellent prices. I even bought myself something *gasp* I usually do not spend money on myself unless it is necessary, especially when it comes to clothing. But I did buy a pair of denim capris at Old Navy. I need the clothes anyway.

Last night was another story.

A couple of days ago, I went to see Andrea and her daughter with Dillon and Maliya (my son and daughter). Lee (my husband) bought the UFC pay-per-view event and had a house full of people, so I figured it best to keep Dillon out of their hair and Maliya in a calmer and quieter environment. When I was driving home that night, I realized my throat felt scratchy. The next morning I woke up with unbelievable sinus pressure and congestion. The pain got worse through out the day as well as the congestion.

Lee worked last night, so I was home alone with the kids. Maliya was starting to get hungry when Dillon had pooped. He has a welt/scratch/rash mark and was screaming and crying in pain while I tried to change him as quickly as possible so it would not hurt him for long, while Maliya screamed and cried in her papasan swing. Once he was changed and calmed down, I fed Maliya. Then Dillon started to get whiney and wanted to eat while I was feeding her...but he had to wait until she was done. He understands to wait more than a 10 week old baby does. Then I fed him and Maliya just cried on and off from gas and being tired. Finally I got her asleep after many crying episodes from everyone, myself included. Then I had to change Dillon, which he had pooped again, and put him to bed.

All of the crying and screaming that went on in here from those two little bodies made my head feel worse. I had accidentally thrown out my Claritin this past weekend when I was cleaning, so I had to suffer until I was able to get to the store this morning. I broke down and took some Tylenol in hopes it would at least help with the pressure and it did a tiny bit.

It was probably the worst night I have had since I had Maliya. Even the nights shortly after she was born, when we were home...I cried about my hysterectomy and the feelings I had about that and it was awful. But last night really took the cake. I felt physically ill from the sinus pain and congestion, on top of two needy, fussy, crying and screaming kids (one toddler, one newborn) and being home alone since Lee had to work. I just wanted him home. I wanted to run away. I wanted to cry myself to sleep as I held  my crying baby and crying toddler. I wanted to disappear.

I felt just terrible, like I could not do enough for them. It is the first time I have been sick since Maliya's birth and it really was just too much for me to handle both of them alone, while unwell. I am glad Lee does not have to work for a couple of days, he really helps to keep me grounded when my days are bad like last night. He might make me angry or frustrated some times, as all husbands do to their wives, but he really does make me feel better and pick me up when I need it most. Even just a phone call from him while he is at work helps me feel a little better.

Aside from this sinus funk and a bad night, I also weighed in this morning. I started Weight Watchers online to try to lose the rest of the weight I gained from when I was pregnant with Dillon. Since I cannot have any more children, might as well work hard and get it all off me for good. I gained about a pound and a half. I know weight gain will happen when you are trying to lose it and I know why I gained a little bit this past week. I have not been tracking points as much and since I have become sick or whatever you want to call it, I do not really eat much and the things I do eat are not what I probably should be eating. I hope to start feeling better soon now that I bought some Claritin and get back on track. Of course, feeling tired and sad often does not help my weight loss, but I am trying to focus and get back to the path I was on up until this past week.


The Story

I am not new to blogging, but this is a new blog to me. I blogged throughout my pregnancy and have since forgotten the password to that account, on top of no longer having access to the email I created the blog with. I have entered a new chapter in my life, so I figured I would start clean.

I was induced 2 weeks early due to borderline severe pre-eclampsia and gave birth to a healthy baby girl on February 22, 2011. She was born via VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but I had serious complications immediately following her birth. I ruptured my uterus during labor, but thankfully the placenta was blocking the hole so she was born safely. One of my surgeons also suspects I had an amniotic fluid embolism as well. I started hemmoraging and after several failed attempts to stop the bleeding as well as multiple blood transfusions, the only option they had left to save my life was to perform an emergency hysterectomy. I was 24 at the time and it was almost 10 weeks ago. I lost almost all of the blood in my body and spent 2.5 days in ICU alone, which is where I learned of what happened to me. I do not remember anything past the delivery of the placenta, except one tid-bit. There was bright white around me, I was crying and asking if I was going to be ok. Then the next thing I remember was waking up in ICU.

I am healing just fine, physically. Only 4 days post-op I was getting up on my own and even showering. But it has been very hard to cope emotionally and mentally with everything. I was recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder which is due to a history of on again/off again depression, as well as post partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

I have lost a very important piece of myself and I have not felt the same since. I have been told and have realized on my own that I must rediscover who I am. I am not the same person in several aspects and I need to find myself again.

This blog will share my happiest moments and my saddest moments. There will be bright days and dark days. It is the only way I can try to recover from my experience and rediscover myself.