5.06.2011

A Moment In Time

Sometimes I will be having a really good day, even if I am woken up earlier than usual or did not get as much sleep. Then there will be one tiny moment that can ruin it all.

I am starting to really dislike how seeing a pregnant woman makes me feel. Lee and I only wanted two children and we were fortunate enough to have one of each, in the order we preferred. But who is to say that years from now we would have possibly changed our minds? Or what if, god forbid, we lost Dillon or Maliya and wanted to have another baby? I wish it did not hurt as much as it does to see those bellies. And pregnant bellies are in abundance around this island, you have no idea. How I feel is actually similar to the feelings that I had after I lost my second pregnancy over a year ago. A lot of bitterness, jealousy, resentment and anger. And guilt.

I keep forgetting to call the dr that I saw almost two weeks ago, to schedule another appointment. He had wanted to see me in 2 weeks from our first appointment and that just will not happen. I simply forgot. I hope his business card is still laying around, if not I will just schedule an appointment with Dr Nicholas. She was one of my surgeons and she put in the referral for the appointment I had recently. I am certain she can prescribe me something or at least advise me of medicinal options. I really do not want medication, but at this point it is definitely not out of the question. I just do not want to be on something that is long term. Long term medication will not fix anything. It is purely temporary. At least with short term medication, I can start feeling better now while I work toward recovering from my traumatic experience and eventually not need to take anything.

It is so exhausting to think about and try to figure out. Most of the time I just push it into the back of my mind, which is probably why I forget all of the time to call and make my second appointment...

Tonight and tomorrow night, Lee works. I hate how lonely and quiet it is without him in the house. Granted Maliya and Dillon make more than enough noise, but at least when he is not at work he can come to the rescue if I need it. When he is at work, I only have myself to depend on. Some nights it feels like the kids gang up on me and I just want to disappear. Other nights are like tonight, things go smoothly and everyone is content. Why are there not more nights like this?

All I know is that 8:30 pm really needs to hurry up so that Dillon can go to bed. I already got Maliya to fall asleep and she is rocking in her swing for now. I am hoping she will wake to eat shortly after I put Dillon to bed, so then she can go to sleep and I can lay down as well. If she does not wake up to eat then I just know within an hour that I lay down, she will wake up hungry. That is how it always works, I swear that kids have radars to detect when Mommy is trying to sleep or at least relax.

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