Before Bed

I am so glad to see that things are looking up for my giveaway on my shop's Facebook page! I have about 8 or 9 entries so far and I extended the giveaway to end on Monday at 9 am HT (3 pm EST). So please take a second to like my page if you haven't and feel free to join the giveaway! Entering is so easy and there is a prize that is baby boy friendly so you don't have to have a baby girl to participate :) Who doesn't like free stuff?? I picked up a couple of things at the craft store this evening and I am really excited to get to work on them. I'm so excited for September to come so I can post all of my new items up for sale! September is childhood cancer awareness month too, so to honor the memory of Hayden Jones and the other children who have lost their battles with cancer, I will be donating 25% of my earnings from the month of September. I really hope to get a boom in business during this month and also in October because I am going to be donating a portion of earnings to the Susan G Komen Foundation for breast cancer research. I am really looking forward to this!

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the nutritionist. I was supposed to log 3 days of intake to take, but I haven't been tracking well for the past week. So I am going to go through my tracking app and just write down 3 days of stuff I have tracked in there. I already know he or she will tell me I eat too much processed food, but they can get over it. I'm not cooking 2 or 3 seperate meals because Lee doesn't like healthy foods and Dillon is just as picky. Plus he has issues with some textures and it makes him gag. I just don't have the time, energy or money to be doing all that preparing and cooking of food.

I guess that's it. I am so tired, I slept well last night too and even got an hour of sleep before I got up to my alarm at 10 pm to feed Maliya her last bottle for the night. She usually eats again around 9-10 pm for the last time if her previous bottle was before 8-830 pm. Tonight she ate around 830 so I think I might just put her to bed for the night. She ate 7 oz so I think she will be fine. It's 930 now so I might just take her up to bed and then hop in bed myself. I want to do some stuff for work tomorrow after my appointment and I'll need energy. Being crafty is exhausting :)

PS- I got Maliya a Pink Floyd onesie...I cannot wait to wash it and put it on her :) It was in the boy section but it is black and white with checkered sleeves and then the rainbow from the logo, which is on the front. So it is pretty gender neutral. I'll put a cute bow on her or something if we go anywhere while she's wearing it.


Bleeding Love

I really don't even know where to start tonight.

So many things are on my mind, it's just one big jumble of thoughts and it exhausts me just thinking about sorting them out. I am going to try my hardest to though, I need to or I will never fall asleep tonight.

Maliya is 6 months old today. It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time. I don't even know if I can explain the type of feelings I have over her already being this big. Six months ago, today, I almost lost the chance to see my children grow up and be with my husband. Some how I managed to overcome almost a certain death and am standing here today with the world. Seeing all of the new and exciting things she is doing makes me feel down that I will never get to see them again from my own child because she is the last and not even by my own choice. Feelings of loss, anger, guilt...everything...seem to be resurfacing. I know, I shouldn't feel the way I do but no one would understand unless they have been through what I have been through at the age I was when it all happened.

Sometimes I feel as if I am wasting so much of my time and money in trying to create this business, Bia Boutique. I'm told how great my things are, people "favorite" them on the website where I sell...but they never actually buy them. I posted on Facebook about a giveaway I am doing to show thanks for making it to 100 fans and to promote myself a little by giving a free item to someone and I haven't gotten a single entry. It's been well over a day already and the giveaway is ending on Wednesday morning, Hawaii Time, whether I have any entries or not. It's kind of frustrating, but extremely discouraging. I'm still learning, so yea...the things I sell aren't as amazing as a lot of sellers on Facebook and Etsy. But those sellers weren't always amazing at what they make, from the start. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being lied to about the quality of my work and the things I sell. Which I am sure won't make sense to anyone else besides me.

I've been so stressed out about this weight-loss and surgery crap. I haven't really been tracking my calories yesterday or today....which I feel super guilty about. But I know I haven't gone over my 1380 limit either day. Either I was under or just about exactly at the amount. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to get back on track. I also haven't been running, so I am going to get back into my crunches/leg lifts/push ups in the meantime, until I am ready to get back to running. It just hurts my back so much when I do it and I've been tired enough as it is just from having two little kids and a husband. I mean...dishes have been sitting in the sink for a couple of days now and I feel terrible they aren't done. I am definitely going to do them tomorrow and clean the house.

I am in such a funk. A depressed, cynical, emotional funk. I don't like it at all and I want it to go away now. I sit here wondering where this happy, cheerful, motivated woman went to that was here just a week ago.



Sitting up, playing with her favorite :)
I sent my ring to be resized. I went in to make a payment on my Kays card and asked how much it would be to have my ring resized. I am an entire size smaller, my ring was an 8 and I now wear a 7. Which happens to be the size ring I wore before I got pregnant with Dillon, for the record :) It comes back August 30th. Yay!

Maliya is sitting up better now and she even rode in the cart today at the NEX without her carseat for the first time! It was exciting, but I hate how fast she is growing. I bought her a breathable crib bumper today, the mesh type. She is sleeping in her crib as of tonight, for good. She scoots down in her bouncer most nights and I always check her when I roll over and move her back up. Well...I am done doing that. She's less than a week from being 6 months old, so time for her big girl bed...aka...the crib! Dillon was about 6 months old when I put him in his crib from the bedside bassinet he was in.

I know I will sleep so much better with her crib having the mesh bumpers instead of the padded cotton ones. They cost a pretty penny, but it's worth every cent to know she is safer with those kind than the normal kind! Even if the normal kind are prettier. I got her pink, I will post a photo tomorrow of her sleeping in it tonight.

I guess I will end here for tonight. I am watching Mama on her comforter on the floor and Dillon laying on his belly in front of her. I love seeing them interact, it's adorable. You can see how much they love each other when they are looking at the other. Even Mama has so much love in her eyes for him and of course he has so much love for her...if you never noticed in the photos of them!!

Have a good night everyone. Only about an hour or so until I can go run. I am looking forward to it even though I am exhausted.


I Do, But I Don't

I think it is finally time to have my wedding band resized.

It is a size 8, I had to have it made bigger after I had Dillon because of all the weight I gained during pregnancy. I had gained 80 pounds and didn't even lose half of it by the time I got pregnant with Maliya. My finger size changed for "good."

Now that I have lost so much weight, so far, my wedding band has been getting looser. It has become something like a security "blanket" for me. I am constantly moving my ring up and down my finger, over my knuckle with such ease. It excites me that if I shake my hand hard enough, my ring will come off. I like how it looks when my ring hangs around my knuckle if I have my hand down.

Tonight, I realized it is too loose. Almost to the point that I don't feel comfortable wearing it out of fear it would come off too easily and be lost or something. But...at the same time, I don't want to have my ring resized because of the sense of security it gives me. It is also a daily, physical reminder of how far I have come and the success I have to date.

I want to have it resized so it fits properly, but at the same time...I am scared to.



Never Give Up

When I was a senior in high school, September 2003-June 2004, I did a lot of running to prepare for Navy bootcamp.

I ran 2-3 miles a day, during school hours. I even joined track and field in the Spring to help me prepare more and because I loved running. I really only wanted the conditioning part though and that is all I did.

Fast forward six years, I haven't run since. Life happened. Marriage, children, a lot of weight gain, moving half-way across the world, surgeries...etc.

I have lost 49 lbs since Maliya was born, as of last Wednesday (August 3rd). I got the idea to try running again last week and I figured I would just run as much as I could for a mile and walk when I needed a break or couldn't run anymore. I ended up running about half and walking about half, total.

Then I got sick when Dillon brought home germs at the end of his first week of school. I am still getting over being sick, but last night I had decided to try running again. I paced myself and just did it.

I ran the entire mile, without stopping once and even with congestion from being sick. Only the second time I went running since I decided to try it and it felt amazing. I feel so proud of myself and I feel so accomplished. I am inspired and motivated even more now.

I got ready for my run tonight and said to myself that I would do what I could and accept that. I paced myself and managed to run the entire mile without stopping, again. I had a little pain in my leg and got a cramp in my side at the end, but I did it.

I never gave up.

It really is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. Your body can handle so much more than your mind tells you it can. Just tell yourself you can do it and then do it. Try your hardest because even if you don't accomplish your goal, you still succeed by not giving up and by doing the best that you could.

I know I have come really far in the short time I have been working on losing weight so I can have my breast reduction surgery done and I want everyone who reads this or my weight-loss blog to know that it has not been easy at all. It hasn't even been fun about 99% of the time.

But I want it. And it's worth it.

If you don't want it bad enough to get up and do the work and you can't find a reward that is worth the work...then you won't do it.

Get up, get inspired and never give up.



Being Sick...

...really stinks :(

Last Thursday, Dillon's 4th day of school...he came home with a runny nose and by that night he had a cough. So naturally I got sick as well. He is down to just an occasional cough and hardly a runny nose, so I sent him to school today. He is plenty fine to go. I still have a scratchy throat when I swallow and some congestion, but I feel better than yesterday. I am still drained though, so I hope to get some quality rest while Dillon is in school.

Maliya is sitting up so well now. She rocks back and forth though, like when she is sitting in her boppy pillow or against me. I just hope she is doing it from lack of balance or something along those lines. Dillon does it but because he has Autism. It has always been a fear of mine that she will have Autism as well. I guess only time can tell...

I am going to try to run tonight, as crappy as I feel and as much as it is going to suck. I need to do it. Being sick isn't a good enough excuse to not try. And if I start running and it's too much, I can just walk. I took a 1 mile walk last night with Liya around the senior enlisted/large family housing and I was exhausted just half-way through it from being sick. I need to tough it out though and just get it done. I have a week before my next weigh-in and I would like to see some sort of loss. That isn't going to happen if I just lay around and wallow in my sickness.

Now, some photos :)
<3 My loves <3

A kitty I have been feeding on the driveway

Pretty girl 


Nighttime Ramblings

I am feeling a little down tonight.

I can't place why I feel this way or what caused me to...but I just do.

There won't be a repeat of information about my weigh-in at the surgery clinic today, that can be found at my weight loss blog.

I skyped with Paige earlier, it was really nice to see and talk to her :) I am wondering if that is why I feel down. I see her as something like a little sister to me and now, who knows when I'll get to see her in person again. Hopefully for Dillon's birthday. It makes me sad.

Dillon didn't cry getting on the bus today, he did pout a little, but no tears and the bus driver said he was totally fine the whole ride and when they got to school! So that is a step forward in transitioning back into the school routine.

I have so much that I want to say, but I just don't feel like saying it.

Have you ever felt that way before?


Catching Up With Photos

Yesterday was Dillon's first day of school. He started his second year of SpEd pre-k, but this is the first year he is riding the bus. It is just in the morning, but it was a big deal so Lee stayed up to see him off with me. He didn't even cry, so that was good! But this morning was a totally different story :( Dillon cried so hard when he had to get on the bus and silently cried the short drive to school. The teacher aides said he stopped crying once he got to school and realized where he was. So hopefully he gets used to it soon! Here are some photos.

First day of school!
Photo opp with Mommy :)

Have a good first day, Boog!


Losing Friends

Losing a friend is never easy, unless there is a bad falling out. But when you lose a friend that you were close to, over the stupidest thing...it's very hurtful.

I won't go into details because it's not important, but I'm so hurt and offended at things that were said to me. Aside from feeling threatened in a slight way, I feel so so sad. I'm going to miss someone who had become almost like a little sister to me, someone that Dillon loves so much. Someone we all love. And because of what happened in my friendship with her mother, we probably won't get to really see each other anymore. It really breaks my heart because it's unfair to her and to Dillon. This has nothing to do with anyone else but me and my friend. Not our spouses, not our children. It's just so unfortunate :(

Dillon had his first day of school today! His first time riding the bus, he did so well!! I took some cute pictures, it was a success. It was weird without him here today, it was so quiet.

I am going to weigh-in this Wednesday, so I am eating necessary calories and nothing extra. No snacking, no wasted calories on drinks. I also decided not to step, to save energy from less calorie intake but mostly because my back is killing me.

I feel depressed tonight over what happened today. So I'll just end here and tend to my little lady.