I really don't even know where to start tonight.
So many things are on my mind, it's just one big jumble of thoughts and it exhausts me just thinking about sorting them out. I am going to try my hardest to though, I need to or I will never fall asleep tonight.
Maliya is 6 months old today. It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time. I don't even know if I can explain the type of feelings I have over her already being this big. Six months ago, today, I almost lost the chance to see my children grow up and be with my husband. Some how I managed to overcome almost a certain death and am standing here today with the world. Seeing all of the new and exciting things she is doing makes me feel down that I will never get to see them again from my own child because she is the last and not even by my own choice. Feelings of loss, anger, guilt...everything...seem to be resurfacing. I know, I shouldn't feel the way I do but no one would understand unless they have been through what I have been through at the age I was when it all happened.
Sometimes I feel as if I am wasting so much of my time and money in trying to create this business, Bia Boutique. I'm told how great my things are, people "favorite" them on the website where I sell...but they never actually buy them. I posted on Facebook about a giveaway I am doing to show thanks for making it to 100 fans and to promote myself a little by giving a free item to someone and I haven't gotten a single entry. It's been well over a day already and the giveaway is ending on Wednesday morning, Hawaii Time, whether I have any entries or not. It's kind of frustrating, but extremely discouraging. I'm still learning, so yea...the things I sell aren't as amazing as a lot of sellers on Facebook and Etsy. But those sellers weren't always amazing at what they make, from the start. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being lied to about the quality of my work and the things I sell. Which I am sure won't make sense to anyone else besides me.
I've been so stressed out about this weight-loss and surgery crap. I haven't really been tracking my calories yesterday or today....which I feel super guilty about. But I know I haven't gone over my 1380 limit either day. Either I was under or just about exactly at the amount. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to get back on track. I also haven't been running, so I am going to get back into my crunches/leg lifts/push ups in the meantime, until I am ready to get back to running. It just hurts my back so much when I do it and I've been tired enough as it is just from having two little kids and a husband. I mean...dishes have been sitting in the sink for a couple of days now and I feel terrible they aren't done. I am definitely going to do them tomorrow and clean the house.
I am in such a funk. A depressed, cynical, emotional funk. I don't like it at all and I want it to go away now. I sit here wondering where this happy, cheerful, motivated woman went to that was here just a week ago.