9.29.2011

Depressed

I wish I could get a job.

It is starting to catch up to us, having two children while living in probably the most expensive state in our country on one income.

I would only be able to work nights and only nights Lee is off at that. No one would ever work around his screwy schedule.

It's frustrating and I just feel like all I do is spend all of Lee's money (well he tells me constantly its ours but I can't help to feel differently). Bia Boutique has been a total bust, I haven't sold a thing in almost a month. I really hope this new venture will work out much better. I can only hope. But I can't open shop with just 5 or 6 items to sell and I need money in order to buy more fabric to make more things and try new ideas out. Not to mention I won't be able to make a payment on time to my Kays card so that I can rent Dillon a bounce house for his birthday party.

I'm depressed.

:(

9.27.2011

Project: Complete



I decided to tackle a project while Maliya was napping earlier this afternoon. I had purchased 1 yard of 100% imported silk ($25/yard...eek!!) as well as 1 yard of white dot minky for the backing. I felt confident enough to run the silk through my sewing machine and it turned out so much better than I thought it would.

Pinning the two sides together took longer than the actual sewing did. I managed to finish it, turn it right-side out and then border it all before Dillon got home from school. Maliya woke up but was content in her swing and just swung quietly, so that was a great help.

I cannot wait until I can buy some more fabric in larger pieces. I also want to buy batting and make a couple of throw pillows for Dillon's loveseat in his room, as a test run for those. I'm looking forward to it!

<3

9.25.2011

Blogs

I feel like I have a lot of blogs. I have this one, my weight-loss blog and also a blog on Xanga (a blogging community). I only went back there because I enjoyed getting feedback and comments consistently, which I do not get here. But I never want to post the same things that I post there versus here because I feel like it will be repetitive.

I haven't even blogged on my w-l blog in a while, other than last week when I posted about an unofficial weigh-in. I do log in my food journal, which is real paper, but not the past few days. I've been trying to play around with dieting and not logging. I don't want to count calories and log them forever, y'know.

I see the nutritionist again this week, on Tuesday. I've lost almost a whole pound since last Monday (unofficially, of course). I am going to start some low-impact working out. Walks with Maliya in the evening when Lee isn't working and then crunches and leg lifts when I have the energy.

I made a curtain for my bathroom, but I haven't completely finished it yet. I still need to sew on the ruffles. I might take it down and try to finish it today. I bought a dark brown rug, a tan hand towel and a light blue washcloth today to match it. It looks nice :) I look forward to finishing it and starting a new project. I want to buy some larger pieces of fabric so I can make some throw blankets as I work on inventory...but money is necessary for that and I have not enough for what I want to buy. So I will have to wait. On the 1st, I have to make a payment on my Best Buy card and also make my donation to the National Childhood Cancer Society in memory of Hayden Jones. It is unlikely that I will sell anything before then, so I've raised a total of $67 to donate (rounded up). I thought it'd be more and was also hoping that it would be...but $67 is better than nothing.

Alright, time to feed Dillon lunch and get him into bed for a nap. Then I can work on the curtain since Maliya is napping too. I may just lay down instead, though. I'm pretty sleepy.

Have a good sunday :)

9.22.2011

Disbelief

I can't believe Maliya is seven months old today. How quickly the time has gone by is rather frightening. It makes me revert back into my fearful "I won't have enough time" mood. I wish she would slow down, Dillon too. I don't want to forget a single moment and Dillon has grown up so fast that I hardly remember when he was 7 months old. I'm scared that when Maliya is his age, I won't remember the age she is now. I can't have anymore, so I really wish it'd last longer than it is.

Here is her official 7 month photo for her monthly album.


She's my little lady!! I won the Minnie themed ruffled bloomers that she is wearing, in a giveaway. I've purchased a few other pairs of ruffled bloomers from the same lady though, she's amazing :) I made Maliya's flower headband pictured.

I have a lot to say, just no energy to think and type it all out. Maybe another day.

9.19.2011

From The Depths of My Soul


I've been thinking a lot about my life and how it changed the day I had Maliya because of the emergency hysterectomy they performed following her birth. I remember shortly after it happened, I felt so much guilt. I felt that I had somehow caused this awful thing to happen to me although I knew deep down it was just meant to happen. Since then, I've accepted that what happened to me isn't my fault. I didn't do anything that caused the chain of events which led to my hysterectomy. I was attempting a routine vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC), these happen successfully all of the time. But following my VBAC, I suffered an amniotic fluid embolism, which one of my surgeons said has a 70-80% mortality rate, and a ruptured uterus. Those aren't things I could have caused, they aren't things that I did to myself.

Although I have come to terms that I am not at fault, I continue to search for the answer of why this happened to me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and even if you don't know why at the time, eventually you will. It has only been almost 7 months and I have yet to understand. I still mourn the loss of my uterus and I think a part of me always will. Even years from now, I know I will mourn for a part of me that I had for the first 24 years of life. 

I try very hard not to become bitter when I see pregnant women or hear about someone becoming pregnant. I want to be happy for those women who are bringing a life into this world, I've gotten to do that twice. Jealousy is an ugly monster and I am certain that is where the bitterness comes from. From the fact that I can never be pregnant again, whether I want to or not. The fact that I cannot have anymore children. I will never carry another life inside of my body. This harsh reality hurts. It hurts in a way I can't even put into words. So it makes me bitter.

The past week or so, I have been in this weird funk. I've been moody, I've had an attitude, I've been edgy, I've felt depressed. Even Lee noticed it and has said so on several occasions. In the past week or so, I've seen more pregnant women than usual when I am in town. I've heard of people getting pregnant or finding out the gender of the baby they are carrying inside them. And it makes me angry. I think that is why I've been the way I have as of late. It makes me feel awful. It's not Lee's fault, or Dillon's, that I feel this way. Naturally they get the attitude and impatience that I give off towards them because I see and interact with them on a daily basis. 

I've come to realize that there is an emptiness inside of me. Somewhere in my body, soul, wherever...I feel it. Something is missing and I don't know what. Of course physically it's my uterus, but that isn't what I mean here. I don't want to feel empty. I don't want to feel bitter. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I am supposed to do. A piece of me is physically gone forever, so how do I replace it a non-physical way?

All I want to know is why.

Why did this happen to me? What am I supposed to be learning from this?

9.12.2011

About Bia Boutique

Bia Boutique is my "at home" business that I started, after many friends told me I should sell the hair clips and headbands that I was making for Maliya while I was pregnant with her. I have sold to many friends and some have made multiple purchases.

Recently I was asked about how I make my pieces, which is fine. But then out of these questions, a few people started making their own clips and bows. That is completely fine, I wish them well with their crafting, really. One thing that bothers me is that one person copied one of my designs that I had not seen anywhere else. Another thing that bothers me is that they had made several purchases from me and I did a lot of researching techniques and used a lot of videos to get my own ideas for my things.

I am happy for those who use me as "inspiration" to make their own things, but not only do I feel a little hurt that my items may have only been purchased as a means to learn by, but they have taken money from my own pocket. Now instead of referring their friends to my business to purchase things, they make them for free or sell their own creations to their friends.

I don't really know if anyone could understand why or how this situation bothers me and frankly I don't care what anyone thinks about the way I feel.

So, until further notice, Bia Boutique will not be listing new hair accessories on the shop website. The only way to purchase clips and headbands will be to buy what is already listed, since I've already paid for those listings, or to contact me for a custom order listing.

In the mean time I will be crafting non-hair accessory pieces and I'm not really sure if I will share them with anyone other than when they are listed for sale on my website.