9.19.2011

From The Depths of My Soul


I've been thinking a lot about my life and how it changed the day I had Maliya because of the emergency hysterectomy they performed following her birth. I remember shortly after it happened, I felt so much guilt. I felt that I had somehow caused this awful thing to happen to me although I knew deep down it was just meant to happen. Since then, I've accepted that what happened to me isn't my fault. I didn't do anything that caused the chain of events which led to my hysterectomy. I was attempting a routine vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC), these happen successfully all of the time. But following my VBAC, I suffered an amniotic fluid embolism, which one of my surgeons said has a 70-80% mortality rate, and a ruptured uterus. Those aren't things I could have caused, they aren't things that I did to myself.

Although I have come to terms that I am not at fault, I continue to search for the answer of why this happened to me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and even if you don't know why at the time, eventually you will. It has only been almost 7 months and I have yet to understand. I still mourn the loss of my uterus and I think a part of me always will. Even years from now, I know I will mourn for a part of me that I had for the first 24 years of life. 

I try very hard not to become bitter when I see pregnant women or hear about someone becoming pregnant. I want to be happy for those women who are bringing a life into this world, I've gotten to do that twice. Jealousy is an ugly monster and I am certain that is where the bitterness comes from. From the fact that I can never be pregnant again, whether I want to or not. The fact that I cannot have anymore children. I will never carry another life inside of my body. This harsh reality hurts. It hurts in a way I can't even put into words. So it makes me bitter.

The past week or so, I have been in this weird funk. I've been moody, I've had an attitude, I've been edgy, I've felt depressed. Even Lee noticed it and has said so on several occasions. In the past week or so, I've seen more pregnant women than usual when I am in town. I've heard of people getting pregnant or finding out the gender of the baby they are carrying inside them. And it makes me angry. I think that is why I've been the way I have as of late. It makes me feel awful. It's not Lee's fault, or Dillon's, that I feel this way. Naturally they get the attitude and impatience that I give off towards them because I see and interact with them on a daily basis. 

I've come to realize that there is an emptiness inside of me. Somewhere in my body, soul, wherever...I feel it. Something is missing and I don't know what. Of course physically it's my uterus, but that isn't what I mean here. I don't want to feel empty. I don't want to feel bitter. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I am supposed to do. A piece of me is physically gone forever, so how do I replace it a non-physical way?

All I want to know is why.

Why did this happen to me? What am I supposed to be learning from this?

2 comments:

  1. I don't know how to answer your questions, but I know in time you will have the answers, I hope they come soon. <3

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  2. Hun God gave you two beautiful children. It does suck that people who abuse becoming a mother -- keep becoming mothers and others who want to cannot. Or some just get the chance taken from them. You should be know you are truly blessed to have two children and emptiness is normal. You lost something and cannot change it. Find another adventure in life that can take your mind away from it. ((: Something that makes you feel good!!! I love your face C!!!

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