Dillon's birthday party was great. He turned four on October 9th, which is also the day we had his party. I rented a bounce house and even one of his friends from school came, it was nice.

Maliya started crawling on her hands and knees Sunday as well. She can also sit herself up now too. I can't believe how fast she is growing and all of the new things she is learning. She recently started waving too. She doesn't do it every time, but it is really cute when she does.

I had an appointment Thursday with my plastic surgeon. Basically when I lose the last 17 pounds I have left, I can call and make an appointment to go back in. I had wanted to lose 20 lbs by Thanksgiving, but Dr Martell made an excellent point. When I lose the last bit of this weight to have my surgery done, when I lose more weight afterwards (which I plan to) he said my breasts would likely sag again a little bit. So my new goal is to lose 40 more pounds by the New Year. If I can do that, I will be about 10-15 lbs from my personal goal weight. I'm torn. I want this reduction now because my back is killing me every single day and with the slightest amount of activity, but at the same time, I don't want to go through this and then have them start sagging even a tiny bit because I lost more weight. I'm so undecided.

I also had an appointment for a physical therapy consult on  Thursday. She showed me some exercises that I can do that will not hurt my back and she also gave me resistance bands to use too.

I feel undefeated and kind of unsupported. I just want to be normal and happy in a physical sense. I don't want to feel like a 65 year old, I want to feel like a 25 year old.

This is making me feel so alone. I have so much anxiety and stress from the thoughts running through my head and everything else going on. I don't want to feel like everything and everyone is working against me. I've come so far already in this journey and part of me feels like it's been for nothing.

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